I don't do this stupid diary shit, but... I don't have anyone to talk to. The only person I would trust with this information... well it's about him and I don't know if he would understand. Anything else i wouldn't have hesitated to talk to him about but this is about him so he's biased. Shit. Anyway, I was given this by my therapist when my mother died so I might as well use it right? Even just thinking about what happened makes my heart pound like crazy and I get a bit of a headache. I think I enjoyed last night far too much.Last night was a disaster. I can't get any second of last night to stop replaying in my head. I kinda always knew I was a bisexual person but because of my father I stuck with women for the most part. My father is a bit of a homophobic... which is hypocritical since he runs a rave club. Sometimes I hate him, but he's been spending more and more time away from the club so I guess that's a good thing right? I knew Armand was good looking... I mean we were best friends so there were times we ran around half naked or took showers for gym... Hell, I even had dreams about kissing a path down his chest and stomach before... I am getting far too carried away here. Anyway, I knew he was attractive but I had never crossed that barrier because... Well he's my best friend. I cared very deeply about him and I knew myself. I knew I was a bastard most of the time and well... he deserves better than me. I know how to fuck but... he deserves someone to make love to him and I can't do that... I don't know how.
Anyway, I woke up in bed to a very naked Armand sprawled out beside me. It wasn't anything innocent like when I used to invite him over, hell no. I left a few love bites on him and I'm not always...gentle. I don't hurt, of course, but just not a tender lover most of the time. I get wrapped up in the passion and things just... get out of control as I need to feel closer. I didn't get much love from my parents so my therapist says it's because I'm trying to fill some sort of void in me... Biggest load of shit or what? Anyway, he was laying there and he was sleeping so peacefully... or at least it looked like he was sleeping peacefully. Perhaps it was just my pride talking, but a soft curl of his lips even as he slept I want to take credit for. I will say, my heart warmed a bit watching him there before everything hit me. I had just slept with my best friend. I had just slept with Armand. I had just taken a man to bed and enjoyed it... My heart froze and I remembered the choked sound that had come out of my voice. I... am a coward... Not that I would admit that to anyone. I ran, shoving the covers off me careful not to wake up Armand before i left. I supposed I was giving in to my whims, but I brushed away some of the hair from Armand's face and I swear he almost woke up from that. I didn't even leave a note... Instead I gathered my scattered clothes, when I say scattered I mean my pants were on the television scattered, and nearly ran out of the room. What would I say to Armand when he woke up? What should I do about what happened that night? Should I ignore everything that had happened and pretend like everything is the way it was? Should... Should I have a talk with him about it? I don't like talking about feelings which is why instead I'm writing in here trying to get my thoughts together. This had changed everything.
I wouldn't have written in here but... my heart feels as heavy as lead. I dream about him every night now. I remember the feel of his skin underneath my fingertips. I remember how he gasped as I touched certain parts of him. I remember the exact color of his eyes as he rode through the waves of pleasure. My heart is ripped in two when I see him now, part of me just wanting my best friend while the more animistic part of me just wants to mate. In a few of my dreams I wake up when my dream Armand starts yelling at me... Then my father enters my dream and starts shouting about how dirty I am and will be thrown into the streets. Some of the things they say I can't even remember when I wake up, but I wake up in a cold sweat and end up staying up for a few hours. I ignore the comments of the dark rings around my eyes... and I'm certainly drinking a lot more now which is a statement.
Hello, it's been about a month since I've seen you. I know it's been mostly my fault since I haven't answered your calls or texts but... I kinda need to sort things out for myself. I just want to say I had a wonderful time that night but I think we should just stay as friends... ya know?
Hello Armand! It's just silly old me and well I know it's been a couple months but would you like to come over and we can talk about that night? You know which one I'm talking about... Perhaps continue on where we left off? I miss you...
Listen, I know i'm a dick and after two and a half months you shouldn't even read this but... I miss you. I miss your smile, your laugh, and the way you could always bring out the best in me. I love your penis too, it's very nice. I am very drunk right now so if you wanted to just come over anytime after nine this week I would be very in this same condition and ready to please your socks off. Gah, why must you be my best friend? Can't I just sorta split you in half and one be my little love slave and the other my best friend? Hmmm??
I know it's been a few months now but I have tried to write you previous letters to this one... but well you don't want to see all those. I miss my best friend and I just want him back? I know it might be hard... but perhaps we could go back to the way things used to be? Back to you being the one person I could count on in the world? I sound like some sort of bitch now don't I? Damn. Another one in the trash.
I saw you at the coffee shop today, but I hope you didn't see me. I had never been to that coffee shop before but I knew the one we used to frequent so I had been trying to go there ever since... and I guess you had the same idea. I'm glad your okay... though you look a little thin don't forgot to eat your veggies? Gah, why the hell am i even writing this?? 'eat your veggies???' I...I just care about you I guess... fhusilghusdgrg
Why am I even feeling this way??? I got fucking jealous, that's right jealous... over you. Why the fuck are you making me feel jealous? Talking to that man... and I don't think you even noticed he was flirting with you. It wasn't very openly, but those little subtle hints didn't pass me by. I fucked you, so you MINE hear me?
I am a truly horrible person... not jsut to you but to whoever i slept with last night. I don't even remember their name now... but the entire time I was thinking of you? Why won't your memory just leave me alone already? Aren't you causing me enough grief?
If I walked up to you right now, even after six months, what would you do? Should I risk it? Will you throw hot coffee down my pants or will you throw your arms open and hug me? Perhaps I can pay you to just pretend so I feel better? No why would you do that...
I saw Armand today and I could tell a few people were giving him looks. I didn't like them, and it made he realize something about myself. Something that only this once will I admit this. I am a coward... because I love Armand. I will burn this book before I let another person read this, but it's true. Perhaps that's why I ran... That's why I kept my distance before I fell in too deep. Little did I know it was too late. Now, it is too late. I had a meeting with him the other day... *tear smudges some of the words* I could say, I say that! What a dick move! Why was I so stupid, stupid stupid! 'Well I fucked you' oh yes that's exactly what I wanted to say to him that day! I was trying to make amends and all I did was fuck things up further. I screwed them up like I always do, like my father always did. Seems he and I have a lot more in common that I would care to admit. Why is it, that every time I feel like I can be okay again... that maybe if I just ignore the pain it will just go away a new wave of pain just washes over me and I feel vulnerable and like a child once more? I can't handle this.... I won't handle this. Why can't there be magic in this word where I could just take my heart and store it in a safety deposit box? That's the only place it would be safe... from me.